The evolution cycle of self

“Don’t think, just do”

That is the current motto that I live by. I don’t try to apologize for what I say or do, I don’t take time to think about a person’s possible negative reaction to possible implied meaning that I didn’t think about.

I noticed that I go through cycles of over thinking and over doing where I touch both extremes before pulling back. Usually as a result of too much negative response from people I interact with. With time, I started calibrating the type of extremes to the type of person I am interacting with.

Thinker

When I am in the thinking extreme, I write a lot, I am also quieter than usual as I turn everything in my mind 3 times to tune it to the new personality trait I am aiming for. I read, I look for things that attracts me and analyze why they attract me. I absorb whatever comes my way and try to interact with people to find out their opinions/reactions.

Achiever

After times of thinking, comes the doing phase. I take care to completely cut myself off from influences during the thinking phase, subconsciously due to a genetic trait that makes me easily addicted to anything. I detach myself so I can create my own style, because I realize that only after finding my own equilibrium and my own way can I grow the confidence that my decision will eventually work out. I also need this so I am not forced with the dilemna of having to choose whether or not some idea is right or wrong.

Fluid self

The basis of human nature is such that whenever an opinion is presented, the self generate a very strong sense of agreement and disagreement. It strip away the choice to observe and then decide which way is best suited for your own person. This process is usually done for the other person’s benefit. So that they can have a clear mental image of who you are. The truth of who I am or who you are is fluid.

From time to time, I meet up with people I know from my past and always, I try to uphold the person that I am today, instead of the person ingrained in their memory. So far, the interaction have always fallen back to the old ways. Perhaps because my newer self is always weaker or perhaps because to communicate with that person, I have to fall back to my former self that is already molded to their liking in their memory. This is why, I always dress up during my first encounter with strangers. It is better to be known latter in a football game as dressing comfortably in a t-shirt than to be seen as in my usual attire in my Ts.

On the subjecting of pursuing your passion

The latest personality battleground for me has been the matter of a pursuit in my passion. I have been discussing this with several people who are both in pursuit or have given up their passion. I will leave this to my next post since I have ran out of motivation for writing. The zone has dissappeared, but it will make for an interesting discussion.

Update on life

Social life is picking up quite a bit this year to a point where I have to constantly decide whether to go to an event or stay home to finish up a project. I usually prefer the weekend for social events, but they have recently spilled over to weekdays. This type of life is something I used to dream about having, but once I get to the point, I immediately realize that it is nothing to gloat about. I am an introvert, this type of things requires effort, but I am willing to work on this bug in my personality.

I had the opportunity to meet up with Kush in a get together recently as he visits Montreal for a short period. It is always a pleasure interacting with his group of people whom I’d otherwise not had a chance to meet in real life. The sheer diversity of their skills and the success that each person have is an inspiration in itself. It is exactly the reminder I need to keep myself going. I have yet to figure out my place in his group of friends, but hopefully it will be something along the line of investment as I chase after my passion. Once I crossed the 5 year mark of experience and after having survived this greater depression, I will have the confidence to say that I have the skills.

I have a new roomate now. After only 2 days of posting my add and several inquiries later, I’ve chosen Mayira as my roomate. She is from Venezuela and is a translator. I liked her stability in her job as well as her perspective that is surely to be different from mine. Some people ask how I can trust a stranger like that to which I replied:” I don’t, but I have absolute confidence in my ability to judge a person.” It doesn’t mean that I will be stupid though. If engineering taught me anything, is to have redundancies in any checks.