Mother

As you know, my mother visited me for a week. The outlook was grim and I was pushed onto the edge of implosion. In the end though, she left, a better person. Perhaps because I’ve gained a more authoritative presence or perhaps because she realized that I have life experiences that she doesn’t have thus making me worth listening to. Whatever the case, I am glad that she slowly started to see things from my point of view.

It was a rough week, as I was forced to interact with remnants of my past. It came at me through the expectations of mother, the tone she uses, the nagging and most importantly of all, a constant reminder that things should be done differently. Things were never up to par with her expectations, such is the way my childhood self interacts with her. It also brings a stark reality into view. That I am still conditioned to accept it. To submit means it’ll never end and to rebel only serves to strengthening its hold.

I was under her control again. I fell back to my old habit, fitting her image of me because her reality of that image is stronger than anything I’ve dealt with. I think that I am particularly vulnerable because I don’t have any deep rooted reality that holds me down to one pattern. My life has been in a constant flux up until now. Even after losing myself, I still managed to come out victorious (a way to put it if you want to deal with absolutes) because of a primary difference between our established reality. You see, I chose my reality while she settled into hers. My desire to change eventually found an exit strategy after examining the situation.

My failing lies fundamentally with not understanding the nature of opposites. Ying and Yang serves to strengthen each other, forming a whole circle by interlocking their connections. What is often forgotten during frenzied efforts to wipe out the ying is that a bit of ying is inherent inside your yang. When one dies, the lack of its opposite can only serve as its eventual rebirth.

To struggle against it is to ensure its eventual revival

With that realization, I completely changed my attitude. Opting instead to lead our interaction to places where I wish to go rather than letting idle chatter fall into old habits. The result, well, it’s work in progress, but at least, we were able to focus on the positive side of life.