The orphan reflex

It occurred to me that more than anything else, that my character and choices are dictated by a life long lack of family rather than race.

I experienced a succinct moment of clarity after watching the movie “The Accountant”. It was a moment where I became self aware of my own Asperger syndrome. Like the robots in “Westworld” an important moment similar to when robots gained consciousness and became aware that they are synthetic.

For me, it was an interesting moment as I realized at the same time that Asperger is not genetic, but rather caused by the environment. Reason’s simple: The current me, the current tendency towards who I am, was not there before the age of 10, before I crossed the ocean and moved to Quebec.

First there was the shock of a different world where I became the odd one out. Extreme isolation lasting several years from not being able to fully express myself and of course, being disliked and made fun of due to my accent and general appearance of stupidity from lesser command of the language and slower response.

I believe that these circumstances allowed me to go really deep inward, creating the environment and uninterrupted string of time by myself to specialize certain part of my brain towards a utility of my desire. I believe the changed part is a creation of an emotional want. For me, I deeply desired something that will allow me to make sense of the behavior of others. Because I have a hard time understanding why my world is now so negative when my personality and wants, what drives me happy or sad, were still the same.

Well, I guess one of your psychologists can probably come up with a thesis for your new paper from this.

Then I wondered whether or not some of my personal life choices is due to this isolation, this “Aspergers Syndrome” that over educated people coined. The “disease” for me, is actually a type of advantage I have over others. Before I self diagnosed, it was always just an advantage I have. It needs its data to do its things and sometimes I go out of my way to feed it, sometimes I nod and pretend to fit in to society. Sometimes, when I don’t have to interact with people, I amuse myself by feeding my asperger’s needs.

It can be said that normal people without the disease are simply the same people with an asperger’s dead set on pursuing a normal life. So I know my asperger has a very particular want. Then, what is this paranoia that I am seeing myself going through? This preparedness for all possible outcomes, the secrecy, the fail safes.

Then I realized, it is because I have no family in Canada. It was due to a lack of a fail safe, a safety net. In fact, I’ve recently started a new mind journey while doing my meditations. I’d been comparing similar events between Taiwan and Canada, things like how co-workers treated me as Taiwan and as Canadian. I wanted to get to the root of what is normal behavior and what is racist. I am assuming that Taiwanese people treat me normally since I look and speak the same as they and Canadians treat me with racism since I am obviously different. It’s been quite a revealing journey and further detached me from the great lie that western society is trying to sell. That everyone is equal and there are no racism.