I am no longer jealous of you

The event horizon for my life made me realize that I need to change and eliminate traits from myself that I acquired out of choice, but from those who nurtured me. The fact that I used to always compete with people was a tell of what that wound was. The journey begin with artificially refraining myself from showing off, suppressing comments to show I am superior or asking piercing questions that have the goal to discredit others.

I’ve found that what lie underneath the competitiveness and pride is actually jealousy. The reason why I know I’ve passed this is because I used to periodically check in on people I know to compare progress and I’d always feel jealous. Today the feeling is different. Today I cared about them and have little to no reason to compete on anything anymore. With the struggle for life taken away, I was prepared to feel jealousy when I checked up on them, but what I find in its stead was compassion.

I rarely speak freely now, except with my brother. Whenever I find myself feeling jealous or my blood pressure rise, I developed a habit of just shutting up and reserving my answer till later. I have the world of business to thank for this. After wading through the sea of egos I realized how shitty the world is.

Showing that I care about someone is new to me. It’s like a muscle that has never been flexed. Uncomfortable. I fear being rejected for it as has happened before in my life. I think this event in the past, has a big role in putting me where I am today. Someone with the ability to wade through the tumulus waves of the entrepreneurial sea and keeping the emotions in check. I could do it because I closed my heart.