Cleaning up

Sometimes anger just creeps up on you and you stop being able to function. There are a lot more things I could be doing that are more productive, cleaning up after my parents isn’t one of them. What I am most angry about, is that none of the arrangements makes sense and the tendency to just accumulate without throwing away is one of the major problems that I had to work through in my life. I can see where this habit started.

This idea that I take pride in doing things myself needs to die.

Going through all the details, I can see what my parents intentions were and where they abandoned the idea all together. Things have a bright start with accumulation of a lot of things they thought they’d need in the most complicated manner possible. My parent’s delusion is in believing that they can do the jobs themselves. What they failed to realize is that the accumulation of materials, the time invested and the space to store the tools afterwards, is not worth the effort to do it yourself. That’s when I understand the reason why I am so frustrated is because I have developed something that they don’t have and that is something that’s thanks to trading stocks.

The constant cost analysis that is always running at the back of my mind like clockwork.

Right now, that cost analysis is telling me that this is a waste of my time and at the same time is also telling me that spending money to have someone do it for me costs more. So… I am stuck.

What is very interesting to note though is that I strongly remembered a definite moment where I just stopped pushing against my dad’s rules. That is also the moment when I slumped into my parent’s habits as well and the surrounding chaos consumed me. It is after their influence disappeared and I tried to get my old self back that I noticed just how haphazardly everything is arranged and just how much crap there are lying around. Funny it never bothered me under their rule.

That and the fact that, a lot of things are broken and they just never bothered to fix them. As an engineer, that irked me a lot and is another huge waste of time to try to fix everything. Again, this goes back to the same problem where they don’t know how to properly fix something and they never paid a professional for help. I wonder if this goes back deep to the “saving face” problem, because that’s the only explanation I can come up with. But the explanation is just too out of whack. A lot of my parent’s mysterious ways goes back to the problem of “face”. But what face is there to save? Dad told me he used to be a door to door salesman once. In my mind, the need for face shouldn’t be there after such a job. I know because of my several customer facing job that I had. So, either Dad was a really bad sales man or he was lying.

But because face is such a predominant story in my dad’s life, I am going to spend some extra time and ensure that it is erased from my character. Because of the extreme in which dad partake in saving face, my normality might be extreme in western society’s point of view, so it’s only safe in going overboard on killing this beast.