What I love

I still remember what it feels like to be an extrovert. Coffee mixed with alcohool usually brings that part of me out in the open. I remember thinking to myself in one of these outings that :”How slick and smooth talking I am!” I am so sure of everything and lived only in the moment, never thinking about consequences or what the future will bring. I thrived with each connection and was high on fun all the time. Since then, I’ve been asking myself why I can’t achieve this without any substance abuse?

That leads me to the question that rests on my mind right now. The answer of which has no clear cut winner, probably because I am so detached from my feelings in a normal setting. There are a few things that I’ve been passionate about in my life. Dance, Engineering, Gaming, Finances, Travelling etc. Just like exes, I loved them passionately at certain moments, but in retrospect,  each love is different. None of which says that this is the one and proceeds to overwhelm my senses completely.

The problem, I find,  lies in the fact that none of them has an absolute end goal. I had one, but I achieved it and ended up just going after the next level, and the next, and the next without end in sight. I stop because I can’t see myself married to the passion for the rest of my life. I stop and I move on. So now that I’ve had “an interesting life” according to a few people, I can look back and see, which ones I’d marry for life and which ones I won’t. Now that I am more mature, I am not afraid of admitting the reasons I got into these passions in the first place. First step towards the acceptance of self.

I decided to write this as I reflect them because I believe I over edit some of the more emotional posts. That is not me, I can only be great with words if I am allowed to speak in all 3 languages at the same time. So forgive me for any clunkiness you read.

Dancing is pretty obvious. It’s for serving woman. It’s nice, but a wrong reason to be passionate about something. 99% of the man starts wanting to dance to bed woman and 1% are born into a champion dancer’s womb. After all, that is why dancing is there. Somewhere along the line, I found other reasons to go on and get better. In the end, it can be summed up to wanting to please any woman in my arms. I have achieved that goal long ago and gone way beyond that.

Engineering was just because it was the hardest. Also a bit of goading by my dad who is actuely aware of my competitive nature. By implying and hinting about how difficult and sought after this domain is, he managed to sway me into that direction. I remember that one of my choices of program was an visual art degree when I applied for university. Don’t get me wrong, I got a lot out of this. I can fix anything with a copper wire in it, but I am never passionate about it. Now that I have tamed my competitive nature, it is no longer of important value in my eyes.

Gaming never got serious until I immigrated to New Zeland and then Canada. It is a sort of replacement for friends after I experienced a sudden vacuum in my surroundings. The loneliness compounded my addiction until it became one with my life. I still play it from time to time, but it cannot fulfill me anymore. Real life has gotten very interesting. A game, it seems, is just a dumbed down version of little parts of real life. If you want to show your 1337 skills, do it in real life since it has the “NIGHTMARE” seetings selected. I do however want to improve gamer’s life by making games integrate into social life. I know the addiction, I feel bad for people who are in it and I want to help their lives while keeping the fun of games intact.

Traveling and Finances go hand in hand. I had never knew why I suddenly want to become a millionaire 3 years ago until I realize that I can sustain myself without working. I asked myself what is the first thing I’d do when this is a solid fact instead of a 80% possibility, the answer came back pretty obvious. I’d travel. Getting past $2 million is of no interest to me since you can live off the interest indefinitely with $1 million. (less if you are in a 3rd world country). A fellow backpacker who’s been traveling for 30 years taught me this.

So with this finally figured out. I know what I love now and I have a purpose.