The asian dad complex

I spent 18 years of my early life living with my parents and will need the rest of my life to break free of their influences. Amongst the people who has a sway in shaping who I am, I admit that my dad, with his rigid set of what is good and wrong for me, ranks #1 in influences on me.

Our relationship is getting better now, but from time to time, he still lapse back into his old ways and use that disapproving yet condescending tone on me over the phone. It’d always leave a bad taste on my mouth when I hang up feeling angry of the intrusion. The disrespect on my judgment and most importantly, the lack of support for a decision that I arrived at. It also explains why there’s such a big cultural difference between the races.

It wasn’t until I left home and started dating people from other culture did I understand that there is another type of parental love. Families where parents actually cared and asks about what the children wants instead of having an imaginary “future” shoved down the kids’s throat. I envy most of you and am appalled when I learned about how teenagers lash back. Too much of what dad cared about is saving face. To have an outstanding kid is the reason why Asian parents constantly pressure their kids to fit that image of a professional money making machine. It is shameful when your kids turn out bad and they seem to lose their standing within the family structure if they do.

Often, I’d try to bring up certain interesting people I meet and my dad would harrumph as usual before dismissing those people as the garbage of society or certain hobbies as a waste of time… but really, what on earth isn’t a waste of time in the end? There is no curiosity, no sense of exploration. Just the usual: “You better not do that, because I’ll look down on you.” Till this day, it still have limited effect on me for a short period of time. I’d just end up doing whatever he disapprove of anyway, but because I have to struggle against this long established habit, it leaves me more vulnerable compared to people who never had to.

I hated him when he opposed my first passion in dancing, threatening to cut all financial help for school. I showed him my way by working part time and paying my own bills until I started flunking classes due to lack of sleep and time. He cared more about my education than I did, which was the only reason I won the fight between us. That is probably when I realized that what he wanted me to grow up to be, is very boring. Was he jealous that I did what I wanted without constrain because he couldn’t do it when he was young? Was I threatening his illusion of absolute authority and control that he felt he needed to reassert his position? At one point in time, I realized that I have surpassed him in terms of the evolution of my spirit. Asians, I find, don’t spend much time on improving their spirituality.

Amongst the numerous negative traits passed down to me from our relationship, condescension is the one I am having the most trouble getting rid of. It’s something that I have to struggle in order to hold back. The control slips from time to time when I wasn’t checking and is especially obvious when I drink too much coffee.

Dad has probably realized some of what I wrote also. He is a more humble person now, perhaps through realizing his own mortality, he’s able to see what I see. I forgive him for what he did, but it still hurts. I only wish that I turned back in time so I can still change while I am not too set in my ways yet. I hope in doing so, dad can learn and transcend his own faults through watching me.