Spiral down

My absence is really easy to explain. I have lost my way. There has been so much destruction that I am now forcibly faced with a redefinition of what I stand for. Or maybe I am starting to come to terms with what I have always known but denied. That people interact with me not because they like me. I noticed it through observing what they discuss with me. Mostly, technical and financial stuff. Yes, it feels great when they listen to my advice instead of their financial advisor’s advice, but it left me empty feeling more like a tool than human.

So, it is for sure that I am not seeking superiority over other people.

Instead, I desperately wanted normal friendship and companionship. Feeling people’s trust in me and in turn trusting others.

The destruction of my self worth has been so utterly complete that everything I held that I values is destroyed. I am then granted with the blessings of a clean state. This must be what losing all of your kung fu feels like.  A master is forever trapped in the vicious cycle of bettering one’s kung fu. But a master who’ve lost the skill in a major crisis is given a second chance at living life.

What do I really want. I have been asking that all this time. The current crisis in the world seems to put that in real perspective. I am sure that others are probably close to the same tipping point as I am. I noticed it in the daily interactions, the change, their consciousness and thoughtfulness. Maybe this is what we all need. A world where we all feel more vulnerable so that we can once again appreciate people’s effort. I know I do that more.

My life will be defined by people whom I care about and if they care back. I don’t know how to go about doing that. I am not really fluent in this, but I will try.

The side effect of this is that I now know why I blog. Sorry, it’s not about you, it’s all about me. I blog because I use it to figure out what I really want. Without writing it down, anything is just an idea that’s left to be entertained later. I blog as an official and conscious effort to sort it all out.