Decisions again

It’s scary thinking about what I am about to embark on. The excitement of new possibilities pitched in a perpetual war against the fear. Do I? Or don’t I? I thought the answer was crystal clear before, but now, I don’t know… Will I be lonely?

That loneliness factor had never entered the equation when I was deciding on similar events before. All of a sudden, I find myself confused about possibly giving up the things I’ve come to treasure. Mainly, the relationships that are already established. Am I running away? Do I have the strength to make the right decision? Perhaps I’ve lost some of the luster of youth. Desiring more for comfort of the established life and the warmth of the familiar. Will I kill the dreams for it? Have reality pummeled so hard that I have stopped daring to dream?

On the other side of the equation, pulling me on. Is the promise of certain freedom. Freedom from certain binding which seems like it can be achieved soon. The two opposite factors should have canceled the need to make a decision if you average them mathematically, but the reality of life is that they contribute to adding more tension to the rope. When the rope snaps, the momentum will be greater.

One thing I know is that I am taking this decision more seriously than previous similar ones I’ve made. Enough so that I have taken Christmas week off to think it over and look at it from all point of view.

I have never taken a Christmas vacation before.

Yeah, that’s right. I’ve always worked through Christmas since I waded into the pond of adulthood. The decision to take the days off was subconscious before the true implication of what this decision will mean was clear to me. Goes to show how my subconscious is treating this as the top issue to be sorted out in my life. Yes, more important than sex, money and chocolate. That is all I can say for now, since there are people in my readership who will be impacted by this.

Yes, I have a vague idea of who’s reading me, except for a few permanent reader from foreign countries that I am pretty sure I’ve never been to. Thanks for reading. You are my one way psychologist. Considering how cheap ass I am, I don’t see this being replaced by a real psychologist soon.