Where is the joy?

I’ve been looking forward to spring. To get away from the snow and all, but I did not foresaw being this restless. Is it the season that’s playing trick on my body? The fact that Spring is here and I am still trapped indoors?

Or is it the fact that I got this mountain of menial tasks awaiting to be done. None of which related what I prefer to be doing, but each one necessary for the sustenance of a life. Maybe I should just throw down my pen and declare: “Fuck it, let me join the hippies.”

On top of that, while walking towards the parking lot today, I realized that I can’t remember the last time my heart fluttered. You know, that feeling you had back then whenever your first crush would walk into the room? Yeah that. All I can feel nowadays, is the steady rhythm of “ptong, ptong” beating on. Through fear and excitement, joy or duress. It seem to be telling me: “Yeah, I’ve seen this before, no biggie, you’ll pull through with one of the possible outcomes.”

Where is that excitement, that overwhelming feeling of not knowing what’s coming yet you still do everything you can to go for it? Have there been one too many setbacks that killed it? Or is it the disappointment in the reality when a goal is reached?

Something. Someone. Make my heart beat again.