Under duress

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I can’t wait till the day when I get out of this bad position I am in right now. All these uncertainties around my financial prediction in direct conflict with my instinct to run.  On the other hand, I am waiting for a sort of judgment from certain people. A yes or no that will either confirm or deny my belief up until this point in life. While, the two separate events might not destroy me by themselves, I am not sure if I can handle them at the same time.

Financially, I have already told all the people I know who invest to get out of the market and repeatedly hammer that into their brain until they unwillingly put that sell order. I suspect that my own unwillingness to get out of the market has something to do with it. However, I have since cleared it up with most of them by telling them that I am doing this as an academic research. I am, in fact, trying to see if I can beat the house during a depression.

Oh it worked well. I studied the great depression, the savings and loan crisis and I made my moves based on weekends after weekends of research. Long story short, they did jack to me and I am having a lot of regret at watching the strategy go up in smokes in the last 7 days. Yep, I managed to stay in the positive until 7 days ago.  Until the house representative first denied the bailout bill. Which led to a domino of US bank failure and European bank failure. Today, I heard that Iceland might even go bankrupt as a country.

On the other hand, I am waiting for the conclusion of my secret project. Which is a culmination of everything that I stood for. An acknowledgment of my achievements as a person who seeks out change and welcomes the unknonw. Someone who constantly seeks to improve oneself in every aspect of life.

You can see why I say that I am under duress now. My only solace lies with this French song that I put on a loop back. It is the sedative that prevents me from acting out the violence within. The one voice of hope that I am holding onto by a thin thread because I don’t know if I can handle what’s to come. I am in an unknown territory. A mental challenge that either confirms or denies what I have believed in.

What excites me most about this ordeal is how I will emerge out of the mess in a few years. How will I look back with a knowing smile? Will I laugh at my folly? Or will I be proud of my achievement under these serious conditions? Maybe I will brush them aside and laugh at myself for taking these small problems so seriously. The future is so exciting because I have placed my foot down and said: “Here is my belief and I put everything that I have on the line to reach for my belief.”