Shattering of beliefs

I felt it. Something snapped inside me. It happened as I was mentally preparing myself to face the worst of all possibilities in order to accept failure in everything. Part of me was still clinging on to the belief that this isn’t happening. OH but it is. Every indication points to the worst.

For a brief moment, I allowed myself to accept that fact in order to analyze the repercussions of such a reality. I didn’t know, that the brief moment was enough to break me.  It broke me because suddenly, everything became crystal clear. Today, I understand that for my particular life: effort = failure.

It might not be true for everyone. It defies logic yet the facts are overwhelmingly against me. For every great project that I set my mind to. Projects that requires long term planning, resources and research always fail. While, at the same time, the random undertakings usually succeed. I denied myself this conclusion because I’ve been brought up in a society where I was taught that effort = reward. Patience, stability and hard working means a pat on the back.

Life doesn’t work like that. At least, not in my life. It makes a perverse sense logic now that I looked back on my life. My exs leave me when I started getting serious about the relationship. Graduating into the high tech collapse with no job and recently, starting stock investing right before the mother of all bubbles.

So, once I accepted this as a fact and accept that effort is not equals to reward, I decided that since the current lifestyle doesn’t work, the opposite must be true. No plans. Just pure randomness from now on. My heart has never felt lighter.