Red Headed Vixen: Part III

I’ve been accused of being insensitive several times in my life and usually by women who wants something from me. I used to be embarrassed by it and wanted to “improve” my “sensitivity”. That particular path didn’t go to well, because there’s nothing to improve in the first place. The journey to understand women speech and women behavior led me to understand how they got people, or rather, got me to do things for them. Now I just give them a no before they even reach that far. You see, I’ve always enjoyed Tyler Durden’s direct approach in Fight Club:

“Just ask man”

“What are you talking about?”

“3 pitchers of beer and you still can’t ask?”

What used to hinder my relationship with others is now the perfect tool to keep them out. What changed was my belief in my own understanding of others and the fact that I can handle disasters better than others. When things go wrong, I act first and cry later.

The last time I was too drunk to remember was 3 years ago in Vienna Austria after consuming too much beer, wine and absinth with fellow backpackers. From time to time, I’d catch glimpses of spinning street at night when the group of us went searching for more alcohol. A name and her warm embrace.

Which is probably why I did a triple check to see if my memory has been intact for the past 2 years when I first heard this news?

“Peter, I missed my period.”

At which point several things passed through my head with tags that identified them as “OH SHIT”. The implication of such declaration to me means that she’s pregnant and I have some responsibilities. After ensuring that nothing happened between us that I didn’t know about, I begin to think about what she wants out of this. Her methods always involves getting you to agree to one innocent request and then using that as a leverage to further direct the flow to her goal in the end.

Hearing her story is like watching a typical white trash story unveils in real life. On one hand, I can’t believe this is happening, on the other, I can’t believe the outcome of everything is predictable by reading a TV script.

The worst part was knowing that we’ll eventually be having this talk when a few days ago; she asked if I want to go to the psychic with her. “So that I can experience the psychic experience too.” I know at that moment, that something is wrong, yet cannot bring myself to believe the textbook scenario that is to follow.

She doesn’t really need to go to the psychic, or even pay the psychic to tell her what to do. She’s already decided to keep the child by choosing to go to the psychic for answers. So what did I say to her out of all this?

“At least, get him to pay half of the cost.”

But what I really wanted to say, but know that it won’t change anything or will only make everything worst was this.

“Look, you screwed up, he screwed up you both screwed up when you fucked without condoms or any kind of contraceptive devices. I am surprised that it only happened now after 2 years of fucking that occurred every second day. What the hell is wrong with his sperms? Too lazy to swim? All your dreams that you told me about and the wonderful person you hope will come into your life that is better than him, you can basically kiss those goodbye till you are 30 or so. But that’s not the worst part. The worst part is when I asked you if you’d taken the morning after pill and you gave me a confused look. IT’S AS IF YOU ARE PURPOSELY DRAGGING YOURSELF INTO THIS SHITHOLE.

How are you going to live? You are barely making ends meet at the moment. Who’s going to pay for diapers? No, the government doesn’t do that. If they do, I should probably move away from this country. Who’s going to do the cleaning? Can you stand a child’s wailing at night? You can’t even stand my cat! Why don’t you move in with him? Why do you want to raise a child alone? You need to keep your ego out of this and think for the child. This is not about you or what you like, not about proving yourself to the world or getting away with anything, most of all this is not about your pissass take me as I am or leave me attitude anymore.

WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING! Get your head above the cloud for once and look.”

It is true that being rich doesn’t necessary means the child will grow up ok. It is also true that being a mother changes a person. But I think we human have too much faith in ourselves.