A present for myself

As I grow from learning about myself, I started managing myself as if though there are two entities. No, it’s not a split personality, but rather an understanding of my two extremes. I don’t know if this conflict exist in others as well, but I realized that there is a self that dreams and plans the future based on an ideal view of my possible interaction with the world around. Whilst co-existing, is the actual self that comes into play in the heat of the moment who is severely biased by the emotions of the moment.

Ideally, I’d like the two to be the one and the same, abiding by the images of the ideal self. However I’ve come to understand that the moment self is more like a brat that needs attention and supervised teaching to reach that level. The usual compensation for good behavior are French Vanilla coffee with cakes, a new game, electronic gadgets and dancing.

What I’ve neglected in the process is that the overlord dreamer and planner needs some patting once in a while too. Since its motivational imperative is dictated by learning and discovering, it is highly vulnerable to the underdog self who cannot stay interested in a subject for a long period of time. Which is why, I signed myself up for a beginner’s class to German language as a Christmas present, using my “waste not” attitude to force myself and see this through.

My interest in German comes from my numerous positive encounters with Germans. Perhaps because we share the same perfectionist attitude and a little bit of arrogance. This is a new racial preference link that I didn’t consider before. Unlike the other racial preference I observed, I don’t think this one is sex dependent like American white man with Chinese woman. No explanation yet, I just feel more at ease when I am with man/woman of German descent.