Sorrow

“I don't know if my view on life can help you guys… I've never been with anyone for 30 years… what are you going to do to celebrate?”

“All hell break loose”

“???”

“All hell break loose”

“So how are you guys going to live after”

“Don't know yet, I will try to setup some online shop”

“And you mom?”

“I don't know”

“Does bro know about this?”

“Not yet”

I thought I handled it pretty well, but as soon as I sat down on the bus heading back to my apartment I can feel the tears swelling up behind my eyes… Throat hurting from holding back the sobs.

What's been part of my unchanging reality for the past 25 years has been shattered. All the truth, all the dirt surfaced as each account their version of story to me when they found a chance for me to be alone with them. My life no longer hold any meaning of right or wrong, it's just a big blurr of confusing events.

I worry because they need my support yet I am as unexperienced in these type of things as they are and I have just as much need of their support than they do me. How can I help them?

Till now, it still seems like a dream. I am still in denial and I'd like it to stay that way. Yet these images, these conversations, jerk on my heart string every once in a while and the more I force myself not to think about it, the more sorrow I experience with the fruitility of the attempt.