Functional equivalent of what I do.

Can you imagine how relay service would work for a hearing person?

(picks up the phone) (dial tone) “Phone, I'd like you to call xxx number. Now, phone, I don't want you to play any answering machine messages. And phone, I want you to get this one certain person on the line. You hear me, stupid phone?!?! I need you to find me a live person, you stupid phone!! And I need you to correct the speech patterns of everyone on the other end, phone!! I know I'm not paying you anything, phone, but damn you to hell if you don't do everything I tell you to, phone!” (call interrupted while men in white coats slap on the straitjacket and haul the caller off)