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A strong person faces difficulties and goes on, a weakling breaks down; I am not strong enough yet.

I've decided to hate my boss today after the long meeting after 8PM on a friday night. What had been said in that room made me question his leadership abilities. I understand that he's in great stress, but he simply doesn't know how to lead people by their heart. Or rather, he only want to lead those he likes by their heart.

I've been working overtimes and coming in during the weekends for a while. Slashing away at the endless amount of frustrating analog verification. When did I moved from digital to analog? I don't know, I just remembered knowing that no one is doing it and started on it by myself and before I knew it, I am doing everything.

The problem with analog is that it is not 1 or 0 anymore. You are dealing with all the values that are in between. Taking into account even the wires that connects two chips together. A bug's solving time will take longer or shorter dependign on how god likes it… it usually is longer. Hence the overtimes.

There are two people on the team he really likes. Any chance he gets, he praises them. On their self motivation to help out and how fast they do things etc. etc. Then he goes on to talk about how we have to be more efficient and how if we are pulling overtime, then it's because our skills aren't good enough and we are not efficient enough. There's this one exchange with his brother when he was speaking to me. His brother said:”No, Peter is good, he's been doing lots.” His brother had detected something in his tone that meant he thinks I am just slacking off. I didn't understand that exchange till later.

I've also temporarilly stopped working out and dancing for this. Now I am wondering, if this is worth it. I do not feel like helping him anymore.

In that room, then, I felt a deep tightness in my chest and a sore in my eyes, like the one before you start crying, but it is different. I don't know what this feeling is.

All the sacrifices I've done for this, for him, basically doesn't exist in his mind. He does not understand how much it means when I sacrificed dancing time. No, he doesn't and he wouldn't try to understand. I took that part pretty well. What hit me though had been the part about overtime.

Not only am I not doing anything in his mind, I am also wasting company's resources. Yeah, great leadership and thanks for ordering me to come to work this weekend and last weekend.

This… affected me, which is why I am not strong enough.